"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."______Elizabeth Stone.
It's no wonder that even loving united parents cannot agree on fundamental parenting strategies. Even some of the most evidenced based parenting programs don't take into consideration the values of the parent. Most parents will agree on some basic parenting values like caring and loving etc. But it is more complicated if we allow ourselves to think about what we truly care about in how we parent. Different parents care about different things, and sometimes you may care about something to a different degree than your partner parent based on your experiences. You may want to sleep with your infant because you value being physically close to your child and believe in the developmental benefits of this. Your partner may want to have your infant sleep in his own crib in his own room because she values protecting her intimate relationship with you and wants her child to be able to self-soothe at an early age. There is no right or wrong inherent in either of these choices, but values underlie each choice.
I could go on and on with the parental conflicts that I've seen in my own life and in my practice. They are almost always rooted in the conflicts of the values of the parents and not about one method or another being 'inappropriate' or 'unhealthy'.
Still, we hurt where we care most and this is why these disagreements can become so painful and difficult to work through. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I'll share a little about how we work this out in session.
I like to give each parent homework after the first session. Take thoughtful time to write out in a genuine and authentic way the other parent's perspective. Journal or record as if you have those values yourself. If this is difficult, I suggest that the parent actually interviews the other to inquire about what they care most about in wanting their way. This only works if each parent is able to access a true understanding of where this value comes from and how important it is to their partner.
After helping bring some warmth and kindness between the two partners I bring in the cold hard facts!!! We talk about the desired outcome and if the parents agree (they usually do) then I talk through the science behind which parent action will more likely bring about the change they want. This allows a heartfelt discussion about how to bring this all together into a plan. Sometimes this involves compromise and other times it involves one parent having to surrender completely. This works because each parent feels understood and appreciates how this process ultimately helps them both achieve their goals.
Usually, when parents can respect each other's choices and be willing to surrender the differing values even out in the end. Almost always over time each parent will be able to engage with their own values equally with their child.
Comments