Stop Trying to Fall Asleep: Rest, Don't Wrestle!

The more you struggle the insomnia gets worse!

Don't Try Harder, Let Go!

I have talked with so many people who have tried all the things to get better sleep. They've worked on their so-called "sleep hygiene" by omitting naps, staying off screens, getting more exercise, limiting caffeine after a certain time, counting sheep, and so forth. Many people also try medication.

These steps are useful and important, don't get me wrong. They also work in many cases, but what about when they don't? The first thing I ask a new client is, "Have you given the changes at least 2 weeks consistently?" If the answer is yes, then I know we have a case of stubborn insomnia.

People with stubborn insomnia all have something in common: No one can call them lazy! They have tried so many things for such a long time. Now we know that the struggle to fall asleep is part of the problem. This struggle often keeps us awake.

What if the key is not trying harder, but letting go?

Don't fight to Fall Asleep

Drop the Struggle that might be keeping you awake!

What Does it Mean to Stop Struggling and Let Go?

We have to learn to stop the sleep struggle cycle, and it is a bugger! Simply put: The harder you try to sleep, the more elusive it becomes. When we fight insomnia tension builds, anxiety increases, and we associate bedtime with stress!

The good news? You can retrain your brain for restful sleep. For those who have tried hard to overcome sleep struggles, there is almost always an increase in anxiety levels around anything associated with sleep. The brain becomes trained to be on the alert for cues in the environment that warn of the impending struggle to sleep. This conditioned subconscious process undermines the body's natural ability to shut down and prepare for restful sleep. Essentially, trying so hard actually makes things worse and intensifies the sleep problem.

Guy Meadows the Sleep School Approach author reports the following,

Overthinking about sleep can trigger your brain's fight or flight response, making bedtime seem like a threat.

This makes so much sense! Sleep is necessary for survival and the threat of not getting it leads to increased adrenaline levels.

What if I never fall asleep?

Train Your Brain to Be Less Stressed at Bedtime

Shift from forcing sleep to allowing rest.

• Instead of pushing for your expectations be open to a new way of looking at bedtime.

• Maybe success can be defined as a restful period.

• Non-Sleep Deep Rest or Restorative Awakeness can be very beneficial.

"By teaching individuals how to relax and access a state of deep rest, Non Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) can help alleviate the anxiety associated with trying to fall asleep. This makes it easier to let go and drift off." Huberman Lab (2024). NSDR, Meditation and Breathwork.

It is not easy to let go of your battle to fall asleep, but there are steps you can take to help you get there! It does take your willingness to be consistent and persistent, as it is not a quick fix. The opposite of struggling in the psychotherapy world is "acceptance," and we use this skill set to show our brain there is no need to be on alert at bedtime. It is like giving yourself permission to focus on restful time rather than an expectation of "falling asleep." If we stop trying to control our sleep, we are more naturally going to ease into a restful and even "sleepy" state. If this sounds a little wonky, I get it. Don't trust it just because I am saying it, but investigate the process yourself! Follow these steps consistently for the next 7 days and experience it for yourself.

Change Your Goal from Falling Asleep to Resting Fully

The following techniques train your mind to work on having a restful night rather than falling asleep at bedtime. Retrain your attention on calming your body and valuing stillness even when the mind is active. Learn to have gentle curiosity towards thoughts rather than fighting them.

Techniques:

1. Body scan meditation and/or Progressive Muscle Relaxation

2. Breath awareness.

3. Thought Defusion

   
   

   1. Body Scan Meditation or Progressive Muscle Relation: This skill helps the mind stay in a more present, noticing state rather than worrying about the past or the future. Practicing this skill during the day is an essential part of being more naturally accepting when trying to fall asleep. Close your eyes and begin to notice with your mind the different body parts. Notice how they feel right now and engage in the present moment of this experience. If your mind drifts into worrying, say silently to yourself, "There is worrying," and bring your attention back to your body. Slowly guide your awareness through the different parts of your body. Progressive muscle relaxation can be added at any time during this exercise. While noticing the different body parts, begin to tighten each area for 5 seconds and gently release. Notice the release and how this feels as you slowly move around to your different muscle groups. This exercise also helps to rest your body and begins to bring you towards a place where rest can be restoring. Even if you do not fall asleep for the entire night, this state of rest can restore the energy you need for the next day. Remember, the goal of this exercise is to put the body in a restful state and not to fall asleep.

   
   

   2. Awareness of breath while being open to discomfort. This exercise is helpful for two reasons: Paying attention to your breath is grounding and also brings the mind to the present, away from worrying or ruminating (enemies of sleep!). It also works well when combined with purposely allowing discomfort to build the mind's tolerance of this condition. No matter how hard you try to stay in a restful position, there will be moments of discomfort. Many of my clients report their thoughts of "How awful it feels not falling asleep" or "I can't stand how tired or fidgety my body feels lying there at night." The only requirement of this skill is to silently notice discomfort when it shows up. You might notice restless legs, so say to yourself, "My legs feel restless, and I can have this feeling because it is not bigger than me." Gently bring your attention back to your breath each time this happens.

   
   

   3. Thought Bubble Exercise. The purpose of this technique is to begin to notice your thoughts rather than getting caught up in them. Create distance from thoughts so you worry less and rumination decreases. It is very calming to be in a place of openness, allowing thoughts to come and go as they please rather than trying to control them. Use this skill at the same time as a body scan or breath awareness to build the ability to be restful in the body no matter what types of thoughts show up. Begin to visualize your thoughts inside a Thought Bubble, as in a cartoon. Imagine your thoughts above or beside your head inside these thought bubbles. Allow them to come and go without trying to change them or make them go away. Notice how they come and go on their own and never stay forever.

   
   

Tip: Try these exercises throughout the day with eyes open during any regular activity. Just 5 minutes a day during awake hours can speed up the brain's changes based on your use of them at bedtime. Your brain becomes aware of the usefulness of the exercises, and they become second nature faster.

Focus on a restful state instead of being asleep.

Lastly...

• Explore different types of mindfulness exercises with the intention of calming your body. You might need to find the right fit.

• There are many types of thought defusion exercises. If you are not a visual person, try one that focuses on hearing your thoughts. Check out an Acceptance and Commitment website for a good list of options. I have some on my resource page as well.

• The goal is to put your focus on being restful, getting out of your head, and allowing thoughts to come and go, being in your body with the intention of relaxing your body parts, and this state will help you ease into sleep in no time.