The Family Fence: Keeping Boundaries Without Building Walls.

Sometimes Family Counseling is Necessary

What Exactly Are Boundaries?

The concept of establishing "healthy" boundaries is frequently discussed in relationships, but what does it truly mean? Setting a boundary involves defining a limit based on a need or desire within a relationship. This limit may pertain to our own actions, the actions of the other person, or both. A boundary serves as a guideline you establish to safeguard your well-being, values, and relationships. It is about what is acceptable for you and what is not. This can be tricky in extended close family relationships.

Families often share their homes, traditions, and what they expect from each other. It's super important to set some boundaries since everyone might have different ideas about how involved they want to be in these shared activities. By being careful, kind, and a bit flexible when setting these boundaries, you can keep things chill and avoid any awkwardness. Healthy boundaries help everyone understand their roles and respect each other's differences, which can really cut down on any hard feelings or drama.

Let's find a way to talk through this!

A common problem occurs when boundaries are set too rigidly without regard for the people effected by them. It can get messy quickly and even trickier to fix.

Family Boundaries are Complicated!

Boundaries in families are important because they allow each person to be an

individual while also staying connected.

Common types of family boundaries:

• Time Boundary (Hours of the day that communication is preferred or off-limits.)

• Parenting Boundary (Treating children following guidelines of their parents)

• Emotional Boundary (Clear communication on how certain actions lead to discomfort)

• Space Boundary (How often and in what regard is time spent together)

Setting boundaries with extended family is about defining limits-what you're comfortable with, what you're responsible for and how you expect to be treated. It is not about controlling others. Instead, it's about taking ownership of your needs and values, and then communicating them in a respectful direct way.

Trouble can occur when family members unintentionally set overly rigid boundaries with seemingly little or no regard for others. When there is no room for flexibility and little empathy boundaries can alienate and hurt people you care about. Most of the time people have good intentions and set boundaries so they can maintain a good connection with their loved ones.

Rigid boundaries are often set by someone who feels less confident about their own individual needs being met within the extended family. This need usually involves the others in their family of origin as opposed to the larger extended family. A person may feel without the rigid limit they might not be heard. (There are a lot of reasons for this and sometimes it is necessary to be rigid in the context of already having tried to be flexible- but that's for another post!)

The Impact of Rigid Boundaries

Inflexible boundaries can lead to tension in the family when communication breaks down. It is important to allow others affected by the boundary to express their hurt feelings. It is not okay to shut someone out by invalidating their pain. Being willing to listen and compromise is essential.

A common pitfall is trying to change others through boundaries. Instead, focus on what you can change- your own choices, not someone else's behavior. It can be hard to avoid requesting some minor changes in others, but it is much more effective to focus on what you can change yourself. For example:

If you think the extended family spends too much time together don't expect them to stop sending invitations and change their behavior. Instead make a general statement like, "We are so busy this time of year and need a break on the weekends. Can we find a weekend that works for us all?"

If you need space from and less entanglement with family members kindly take the space yourself. Show empathy towards those affected. Genuine words of regard can make a big impact:

"I know you would love to see the kids this weekend, and we enjoy our time with you as well. We just need a little downtime. We will catch up next week."

Avoid telling others they need to change- don't make demands. It isn't helpful to tell other family members that they spend too much time together. Don't insist that they take a step back but take a step back yourself.

Be thoughtful and consider your expectations when setting limits that involve others. Weigh out possible outcomes and pick your battles.

"Conceding is one party giving in or giving up, whereas compromising involves give and take by both parties. When it's truly mutual, compromising feels good, or at least productive."-The Better Boundaries Workbook, Martin 2021.

.

Some Beginning Tips for Addressing the Conflict:

1. Express your limits and offer clarity without dictating what others should do.

2. Communicate compassionately and allow discussion and be open to make adjustments if mutually agreeable.

3. Stay focused on describing your own need and autonomy and avoid implying that others are wrong or damaging.

4. Actively listening to each family member's perspective.

5. Remember that hurt feelings are a valid response.

   
   

   The first thing I suggest when working with boundary conflict: Come back next session having explored what you understand about the other person's perspective. This creates a little space to breathe before you work on compromise.

   
   
   
   
   
   

The Case of the Clashing Boundaries!

Family Conflict is hard!

What do you do when one person tries to set boundaries that conflict with habits or roles that have existed for years? This is a common point of contention in families—one person tries to set boundaries that sound more like demands for others to change. Consider the following suggestions:

1. Don't try and force the others to change: Let others know what you will be doing differently.

2. Is it necessary to proclaim the boundary out loud to everyone? Maybe it is wiser to make your choice and explanations aren't necessary. Self-management is very effective.

3. Be reasonable! Look at the bigger picture and determine whether or not your need is more important that letting it go. Cost Analysis.

   
   

We Have Tried and Nothing Works!

If all parties have tried to talk it out calmly and thoughtfully and there continues to be a stalemate it may be helpful to get some professional help. An outside counselor like a family therapist or pastoral counselor can be a non-biased facilitator. Boundaries need to be like fences with gates and not walls!

Conclusion

The suggestions in this post reflect the common struggles many families deal with all the time. It is not meant to address boundaries regarding the health and safety of any individual. Safety and health are not something to compromise about.

It is important to handle boundary conflicts in a helpful way that includes open communication, empathy and flexibility! Boundary setting can be an opportunity for deeper connections.