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There are thousands of tools out there designed to help us keep up and stay consistent. It is hard enough to identify ways we change to make our lives better and even harder to actually make the changes. Then.... we have to worry about keeping up with these changes. Let's face it... the mind wants to revert back to old habits and it's very easy to get off track.
According to a 2019 study by U.S. News and World Report, the failure rate for New Year's resolutions is said to be about 80 percent.
Relapse is inevitable according to the Transtheoretical Stages of Change Model.
First things first. Remember to be kind to yourself when this happens to you. It will! The harder the change you've made the easier it is to fall back on old habits. Recognize self-judgment and inner critic that says, "I knew I couldn't do it. This is too hard. I'll never change!" The only way we aren't making progress is if we give in to this inner critic and stop trying. As long we want to keep making this change and actively work on it, we are making progress. It is a normal part of progress to get off track. There is no Perfect way to make change last. It's a beautifully imperfect process because we are beautifully imperfect humans. So, Don't give up!
I use Russ Harris's "7 R's for Lasting Change" strategy with clients when they fall off the horse and need a little boost back on. The seven R's are 1.Reminders, 2.Records,3. Rewards, 4.Routines, 5.Relationships, 6.Reflecting, and 7. Restructuring. I'll go through each of these in more detail.
1.Reminders
Get creative with a simple tool to help remind you of the new behavior you're working on. Create a screen saver, use a post it note, set a pleasant alarm reminder on your phone or watch. For privacy, you can identify a symbol that you see every day and will remind you. For younger clients, I do a closed eye visualization exercise and prompt them to identify for themselves an object they see often located near where they need to use this new behavior. The ideas are limitless.
2.Records
We can document with something as simple as a tally on our phone or as detailed as a daily journal entry. I often suggest apps that support this type of record keeping reinforcing the progress. Keep a record of the new behavior throughout the day, maybe noting when and where we used the behavior. It can be just as helpful to jot down when we use old behaviors and note the cost of the behavior.
3.Rewards
My favorite! Have some fun with this one please. It can be very rewarding to notice the change we have made acting on our values! But sometimes we can use a little boost to encourage that sustained change. Nothing wrong with that! Use kind, encouraging self-talk like saying to yourself, "Well Done!" If this seems a little kooky to you and not your style go for a material reward. Get a massage or treat yourself to something nice.
4.Routines
If you stick to a certain routine, it will become more habitual, and less willpower will be necessary. The routine will vary depending on your behavior change. For example, if your change is to work out more do the same type of work out at the same time of day. If you are trying to meditate or practice a mindfulness skill, do it at the same time each day in the same place. You can make a place the routine rather than the time if this works better. I often recommend clients practice a new skill while doing some other activity they already do each day. (Breathing exercises while getting dressed. Mindful awareness of the present moment while preparing and drinking their morning coffee. etc.). Play around a bit and find ways to make the new behavior a part of your normal life in any way that works.
5.Relationships
Most things are better when we do them with a 'buddy'. This can be about the connection we have with this person and also accountability. We might enjoy the time with this person for intimacy of the relationship. We are more likely to engage in new behavior if we know someone is going to check in with us about it. We may decide to share our change with someone who is caring and encouraging just so they know. This awareness that we have shared our change can increase the likelihood we will stick to it. If we really know someone supportive, asking them to remind us to use a behavior can be super helpful. "Will you remind me to use my mindful breathing when you notice I'm worrying?".
6.Reflecting
Take time to regularly reflect on how you are behaving and what effect it is having on your life. You can write this down or discuss it with someone. I like to take time using a mental exercise alone before I start my day. I say silently to myself what I've noticed in my behavior. I remind myself to hold the changes lightly and it's normal to have growth and setbacks. I finish by reminding myself why I want to work on this and that it is my choice. This works for me, but it may not work for you. The takeaway from this skill is to spend some time each day taking notice without judgment about how you've been doing. (Judgment might show up. That's ok). Be careful not to beat yourself up. It is more about teaching yourself to allow both growth and setbacks. It allows you to notice ways you can make it easier on yourself and problem solve to stay more consistent. It's hard to do this if you are beating yourself up.
7.Restructuring
It can be very helpful to restructure our environment to make our new behavior easier, and therefore more likely to sustain. The possibilities are endless with this one. For healthy eating, put only healthy foods in your kitchen. Trying to stop yelling at your kids, avoid stressful unnecessary restaurant outings temporarily. Pack your gym bag the night before and leave it in your car to make morning gym routine easier. The list goes on......
Mix and Match the skills and don't use the strategies that don't seem like a good fit. Nothing works for everyone.
Remember that the more important the behavior change, the harder it is. Have grace for your mistakes and keep on keeping on.
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