Anxious Parents Have All the Answers!

Anxious Parents Can Be So Helpful!

I work with a lot of anxious kids in my practice, and they often have anxious parents! Not a big surprise there with the whole genetics thing... We can leave the science for another post. I do know that even the most anxious parent can help their child learn to have a lifelong, healthy relationship with anxiety.

For the purposes of this post, anxiety refers to worried thoughts and feelings about something bad happening. An anxious parent can use their knowledge and experience to guide their children right from birth or at any age. By fully understanding your own experience, you put yourself in the best place for understanding what your child is going through. Use your own mistakes as well as your successes along the anxiety path to further teach healthy coping!

Parents are the #1 best coping teachers!

Parents are in the unique position of being on the front lines of their child's anxious moments, so no one has more opportunity. Educate yourself on childhood emotional development, follow some simple steps to reinforce healthy coping in the moment, and use some of these fun and effective family coping skills games to nourish strong emotional regulation. There are also ways to identify when behaviors might warrant professional support.

What's "Normal" anxiety for a kid this age?

I try to stay away from words like "normal" with my families when they are searching for answers about what is going on with their child. Start by asking yourself, "What is not okay for my child or our family?" If you are concerned that your child's responses to anxiety are not typical, it never hurts to get a professional opinion. If you are working it out on your own, lean on the side of caution, especially if you also struggle with anxiety. Be vigilant, listen to what your child tells you, and react calmly on the outside. Contemplate if your child's anxiety might prevent them from engaging in an activity that you know is rewarding for them. Encourage resilience by sticking to limits when you are certain they are safe from other people or circumstances.
Kids are all over the place when it comes to developmentally appropriate anxieties like separation from parents, sleeping in their own beds, foods, and socializing with peers and new places. Some kids react anywhere from needing a little reassurance to an extreme meltdown. Avoid letting their anxiety, no matter how extreme, cause you to back down. Keep setting your limits while also validating their feelings and encouraging them to use a helpful coping skill. You can always be more secretly vigilant to make sure they are okay!
If you've tried to stay calm, validate your child's anxious reactions, and stayed firm with limits, and your child has not made any progress, it might be a good idea to seek professional support.

Understand Your Own Anxious Reactions.

Take time to notice and be real about your own anxiety and how it affects your parenting. How much of your own worry comes up in situations when your child is anxious? It could be a specific event or a time of day that really gets under your own skin, and it's helpful to take a mental inventory. No need to focus on changing anything about your own emotions, so just be aware. You don't have to feel less anxious to have a check on how you outwardly respond. Try some of these ideas to help you keep a check:
1. Make a commitment to how you want to respond in these situations ahead of time. You may feel anxious but how do you want to appear on the outside to your child?
  Practice mindfulness strategies to allow you more space to think clearly in the moment rather than acting on impulses.
2. Noticing and Naming out loud your own anxious feelings (or any kid friendly version of an uncomfortable feeling) can be a learning experience for your child. It can also validate how normal their own feelings are. Take time every day to engage in a simple way i.e., " This traffic makes me feel worried that we will be late. It's okay though and I can take some deep breaths.". Purposefully, identify feelings out loud in a normal tone of voice and challenge yourself to pair it with a calming technique in front of your child.
3. Schedule Worry Time with your child. This clever coping time can be used many ways, but I will suggest using it to validate and encourage coping practice with your kiddo. Pick 5 minutes every day (not close to bedtime) and take turns naming one comfortable feeling and one uncomfortable feeling you've each had that day.
4. Listen with calmness and validate with simply phrases like, "I"m sorry you feel that way. I would feel that way too in your place." We don't have to have all the answers, and we certainly can't magically make our child's worries disappear.

Here are some suggestions for responding to your kiddo's anxiety in the moment!

If your child's anxiety shows up when a limit is set for them or there is an expectation of compliance, it is important that you try to maintain that limit/expectation in the moment. You can always reevaluate later. Children look for security in the structure of these routines. They may outwardly display signs of anxiety and can also learn how to face uncomfortable feelings. This is a teachable moment for healthy emotional regulation. You are teaching that you trust them to handle these emotions and creating the mental building blocks for their relationship with uncomfortable feelings.
Please take into consideration that children can quickly become conditioned to use anxious thoughts and feelings to escape undesired tasks and/or situations. They do not intentionally do this!
How should we handle anxiety that arises independently of parental boundaries and expectations? Always start by validating their feelings with a verbal acknowledgment of acceptance. Avoid comments such as, "There's nothing to worry about, it's no big deal!," or, "Don't stress over that. You're being silly," or "Be a big kid and think positively," and so on. Once their feelings are acknowledged, either offer simple suggestions or proceed to the next activity if appropriate. Adapt your approach based on the situation.
How should you handle anxiety that suggests you might need to take action? Stay alert! Acknowledge their anxiety, listen attentively, and take a deep breath before responding. Thank them for their openness to encourage ongoing communication and assure them that you will address the issue. In the moment, avoid displaying your own anxiety in noticeable ways. Maintain an outward calm while you pause to decide how to respond. If you're uncertain about the need to take action based on your child's concern, remain observant over the following days.

Family Coping skills games.

Incorporate healthy emotional regulation strategies in playful and easy ways! Here are some of my favorites for kids under 8 years old:

Emoji Pictionary.
Take turns drawing your version of feelings emoji's on a dry erase board. It can be helpful to have a cheat sheet of feelings faces nearby for younger kids.Keep track of how many guesses it takes you each to guess the other's feeling! Give a simple example of a time you or someone you know felt that way! Keep it Simple!
Music Mindfulness!
Choose and play kid friendly songs that depict certain feelings or situations that cause young feelings to rise to the surface. Close your eyes or dance around if the spirit moves you! Take turns sharing why the music made you feel the way it did.
Guess Who's Anxious!
Make a stack of cards with familiar characters from books, movies or real-life friends/family. Give each character a simple situation that might cause them anxiety. Take turns acting it out and see how long it takes you each to guess!
Inside/Outside Self
First spend a few minutes chatting about how often people look calm or happy on the outside but are feeling totally different inside. Talk about why we do this and share how sometimes it's helpful, like when you're trying to stay strong in a tough situation. Other times, though, it's super important to let your true feelings show, especially with someone you care about. Each of share moments in life that might cause anxiety in a young person, like starting a new school or being away from a parent.
Secondly, pick out pictures to examine that show kids in typical situations that might also cause anxiety. Talk about the outside behavior compared to how they might be thinking or feeling on the inside. For instance, some pictures may show inside/outside selves matching up, and others may not. There is a lot of room for talking through and normalizing all the ways kids respond to inner anxiety. This game helps validate how normal it is to have anxiety and how stressful thoughts sometimes affect how we act, and other times they do not.

Summing it all up

Our kids learn from us how to handle their emotions. They learn both what to worry about and how to cope with those worries. Who is better equipped to understand than an anxious parent? Yes, be mindful of your own emotions and know when and how to display them in front of the kids. Validation is key in the early years to help prevent a lifetime of avoidant behaviors and self-concepts of "Something is wrong with me." If a child can learn at an early age that they can hold and handle any emotion, they can get through tough stuff much easier. Start with a simple, "I get you!" message even if you don't know what to say next. Avoid trying to automatically fix it for them or tell them they have nothing to worry about. Stick to your values as a parent and keep setting limits even when your child is anxious so you can teach them you trust them to handle those emotions. Teach them tiny coping skills to handle those worries while you remain fiercely firm in leading them to do things outside of their comfort zones. You may get a bonus prize of a healthier relationship with your own anxiety in the process!