Navigating the Night! Tips for Getting your kiddo to sleep on their own!

I am not going to touch the topic of 'best sleeping practices' for your child in this post. That's for another day. This post is for those of you who have decided it is time! You have made the decision to get your kiddo back in their own bed! Maybe your kid sleeps in their own bed, but they take you hostage every night? Do you often hear that they absolutely cannot fall asleep without you next to them? Well, this post is for you if you are ready to take back the night!

There is no exact "right way" to make the big change. The most important element is the presence of some type of graduated step towards independence. It doesn't matter how slowly you need to take it or spread the steps out. As long as you are making progress in the direction of less dependence on your presence, you're going in the right direction. The plan I'm highlighting today involves the final goal of the child falling asleep alone in their own bedroom. This plan works for kids over the age of two and parents can make tweaks based on your child's maturity. (I'll include a tip for the sneaky middle-of-the-night interlopers.)

Ready to Begin?

Decide how long you'd like to spread out the process. For those of you ready to go all in, this can be done in a few days. This is the 'ripping the band-aid off' approach and works well with many families. Tell your child what is about to happen and offer them a coping helper. This could be a nightlight or a new stuffed toy to sleep with, etc. Then tell them they are going to be sleeping in their own room starting tonight. Make sure you have thought through all the possible reactions and how you will handle this. There usually needs to be some type of consequence for refusals! The most severe consequence is the dreaded door 'locked from the outside' approach. This is almost always necessary if your child has a stubborn temperament and typically challenges you in all areas! This is for the child who would choose almost any consequence preferable to doing what you tell them to do.

If the 'ripping the band-aid off' approach is not for you, the possibilities are endless. I recently worked with a family that came up with the following plan:

1. 1st night - Parent slept in the same room but not in the same bed.

2. 2nd night - Parent sat in a chair outside the door with it open as long as the child remained in the room.

3. 3rd night - Same

4. 4th night - Parent did not stay outside the door but left it open.

The consequences in place for this family involved shutting the door if the child left the room. The positive reinforcement involved the family weekend sleepover and increased special playtime with the parent the following day. The child got to choose any toy/activity they wanted, and their parent had to participate. This is fun for kids as they usually choose activities the parent never wants to do.

I suggest some form of material positive reinforcement, such as getting to choose a toy or an activity on the weekend if they sleep in their beds all week. Younger kids need a smaller reward sooner. This might include getting to watch a video in the morning if they sleep in their beds all night. The possibilities are endless here.

It is really the combination of Parent Consistency and Follow-Through that is the determining factor in sleep training success.

It is important to note that it is quite common for parents to find themselves needing to lock the door from the outside or hold it shut. This typically occurs when the child has been making the decisions about sleeping arrangements for a few years.

Example Strategy:

1. Johnny gets bedtime routine and parents leaves after predetermined amount of time. Both parents need to be consistent with this allotted time. Do not respond to pleas to remain in the room except for positive reinforcement like, "I'm leaving now because I know you can do it and sleep by yourself!"

2. Keeping the door open, along with the use of any number of nightlights or sound machines, will not impede progress. It is advisable to avoid any form of visual stimulus.

3. Ignore any pleas to come out or crying as long as your child remains in the room.

4. If they leave the room, guide them back with a neutral tone and without making eye contact, saying, "It's time to go back to your room to sleep. If you leave the room again, then ___________________ (state the consequence).

5If they manage to exit the room once more, inform them that they will face the consequences. I typically recommend closing the door as the initial measure. Should they open the door again, it will be locked from the outside. If this approach seems too severe for your family, there are alternative ways to impose consequences. However, these methods may take longer since the child finds the attention received when coming out to talk to you very rewarding. When opting to guide the child back to the room, it is crucial to maintain a neutral tone of voice and avoid making eye contact. Refrain from offering them any food or drink. The objective is to minimize the attention they receive when leaving the room.

Many children adapt quite well to this situation. However, some may cry themselves to sleep on the floor by the door. In my experience, when the parent remains firm, a child rarely continues this behavior for more than one to three nights. It's not easy for a parent to listen to their child cry to leave the room. You should only attempt this if you are certain it's in your child's best interest. Reminding yourself of the reasons for this approach can help manage any feelings of parental guilt.

**I frequently recommend that parents organize a weekend sleepover with their children. It can be a fulfilling experience, especially if the parent also misses having the child sleep close by. Additionally, it serves as a fun incentive for the child's efforts. This entails allowing the child to sleep in the parents' room for one night over the weekend.

This post would be endless if I mapped out all the possible plans for sleep training. These are the most important tips for success:

1. Be absolutely sure you want this and talk through how it is best for your child.

2. Prepare for all possible child reactions. Problem solve how to respond with consequences and how to engage verbally and non-verbally. (neutral tone of voice and no eye contact when taking child back to the room)

3. Both parents/caregivers need to use the same language and take exact same steps. Any deviating from the plan can increase how long it takes.

4. Decide if you think your child will resist to the point of needing the lock on the door. Use soothing self-talk to help you get through this. Do some research into the effects of this action if you are concerned for their well-being. Do not use the lock door approach if your child has been through traumatic events.

Good luck and remember that for most families this is very difficult because parents have mixed feelings about what's best for their family.