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"Don't tell me to calm down!"

Updated: Apr 23


What if we want to calm down but we can't? Now we feel worse because self-judgment sets in. Our inner critic can go to town on this one! " Why can't I calm down? What's wrong with me?"

This is how a well-meaning message like, "Calm down. It will be okay" can backfire quickly. (If you can tell yourself to calm down and it works- do it!!) The problem is that most of the time we have a reason to be agitated or 'riled up'.

How can we be expected to be calm in a situation that affects us so intensely? In fact, biology is against us on this one. Our central nervous system is activated when our brain sends out the distress signal. Our bodies need to be alert and ready to take action so the increased heart rate, blood flow and muscle readiness is essential. It's the actions we take while in this hyper-alert state that usually cause us the most difficulty.


Please take into account that I am simplifying the body's complex response to environmental triggers. It's important to note that emotional responses in the body involve a whole human being and their ongoing interaction with the environment through complex biological systems. There are many other aspects of the nervous system involved. It's important to 'hold lightly' any neurobiological explanation for a trauma or intense emotional reaction. It's a tiny piece of a large field of science in which many theories compete and continually evolve. *For a deeper dive into the autonomic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system and how they guide our response to threats I took some of my facts from the following books/articles: Trauma-Focused ACT; A practitioner's Guide to Working with the Mind, Body and Emotion Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Russ Harris. Understanding The Stress Response. Harvard Health Publishing 2020


We can't force ourselves to be calm but... here's the good news... We can learn to act in a calm manner. By learning micro-skills to use in the state of 'not calm' we can take calm actions. We will most likely still experience symptoms of being alert and agitated, but we can feel good about how we respond. Remember the following two things when your inner critic is yelling, "Be Calm!!!"


  1. Something is happening that is important to you.

  2. Something is happening to a person that's important to you.


"We Hurt Where We Care." --Steven Hayes


Why is it important to acknowledge that we are distressed because we care? It is easier to make good choices when we have grace for our emotional state. Simply put, we have more energy to take action when we aren't spending so much effort judging ourselves or trying to force 'calmness' to happen. Learn to take calm actions even when you aren't feeling calm on the inside. Try the following simple exercise the next time you notice agitation in your body and need to take action.


Do these two things right away to prepare:


  1. Pick two action steps you'd like to take the next time you feel distressed. For ex.: I will talk in a calm voice, and I will not use hurtful words.

  2. Identify two changes in your body that are likely to occur when distressed. (Rapid heartbeat, deep breathing, tense muscles, tightness in chest etc.)

Take these steps when you begin to notice your signs of distress.

  1. Name silently to yourself the physical symptoms. ( I notice my fast heartbeat and I notice my tense muscles.)

  2. Take two deep breaths making sure to focus on the exhale most importantly.

  3. Look around and silently name to yourself 5 things you can see.

  4. Take action based on the goals you set for yourself.


We don't need to feel badly about ourselves when we can't 'be calm'. That energy is better served helping us take valued action steps. Consider helping a friend or your kiddo out the next time you are tempted to say, "Calm down". Try saying, "I'm sorry you are so upset. I can see how hard this is for you. What can I do?".


Be Calm When you Don't Feel Calm

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