Don't Flip Your Lid! Name it and Tame it instead!!

Can you think of any self-defeating behaviors you'd like to get rid of? Most people do. I have been trying to stop criticizing my loved ones when I am irritable and, using words I don't mean when I'm hurt.

How can something as seemingly simple as "Noticing and Naming your emotions" help you be the person you want to be even in the most difficult situations? I am not implying that this action alone will immediately stop any and all meltdowns for the rest of time. We are all a work in progress!

I am saying that the intentional practice of noticing and naming our emotions silently to ourselves can lead to fewer moments of " Oh NO, I can't believe I did that!" or , " I said WHAAAT??" We tend to have this autopilot response to difficult emotions. Happens to everyone but this becomes a problem when we decide that this autopilot response is making our life difficult or getting in the way of our goals.

This is how it works: You notice frustration ( or an uncomfortable feeling) in your body in the form of thoughts and sensations like tense shoulders or a clinched jaw. Say to yourself, "There is frustration. My shoulders are tense, and my jaw is clinched". That's it-simple right? We usually respond so quickly to emotions that we don't even have time to identify them. We do notice the unwanted behavior (i.e, yelling or snapping at someone we care about.)

It's most helpful to practice this skill with less intense emotions on a regular basis. I usually suggest to clients that they become aware when driving. Most of us experience some level of irritation or annoyance when driving. (Practicing during a set time increases the chances that you'll try it out consistently.) Notice when you feel irritated. Let's say someone cut you off in traffic and you become irritated. Say to yourself, "I am noticing frustration and thoughts about running him off the road. My face is tense and my hands are tightly grabbing the wheel." That's it. If you practice this consistently, you are more likely to 'catch' emotions before they hook you into making choices you regret.

Another way to practice: If you are aware that a certain person triggers uncomfortable emotions inside you then you can set intentions to Notice and Name your feelings when around this person. Plan ahead how you want to respond and put your attention on that behavior.

A Bit of Neuroscience

How does this work? When we put what we are feeling into words, this engages part of the 'prefrontal cortex' which is directly behind your forehead. This has a moderating effect on the other parts of the brain where our emotions are getting stirred up. Sometimes this process is referred to as 'damping down' or 'putting the brakes' on emotions. When we are able to notice and name emotions and how they are affecting our body, they lose much of their ability to jerk us around (like flipping our lids). They emotions are still present, but they have less impact on our behavior. We are not in 'autopilot' mode. We don't need to obey them or struggle with them. There is so much research out there that shows the less your ability to name your emotions, the more likely you are to get hooked by them and continue to engage in self-defeating patterns of behavior. It is so worth the effort it takes to develop this psychological skill.

So, Name It to Tame it!

If you'd like to explore the research, start with Ellen J. Langer. She is a pioneer in the field, and you can follow the research arcs from there. Dr. Daniel Siegel has many case studies and supportive research. Mindfulness. Langer 1989. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being. 2007. Siegel.