Honesty is an important trait that most parents want to instill in their child. It makes sense that we tend to 'freak out' when we notice a new pattern of lying. Kids lie for many reasons. (age 8 & under)
To avoid getting into trouble
To get out of doing something
to get attention
to gain acceptance
to relieve anxiety
impulsive reactions especially present in kids with ADHD No matter what the reason when kids under 8 lie it's almost always a normal part of cognitive development. (Talwar, The Truth About Lying. 2022). The latest research shows that lying demonstrates positive cognitive development as children begin to understand that others have beliefs that are different than theirs. Kids with older siblings tend to demonstrate the ability to lie earlier. Studies show this happens partly, because they see it modeled by the older siblings, but also, this is a part of negotiating the social relations with their siblings. Younger siblings have more advanced cognitive development happening because of all their social interactions. (Talwar, 2022)
Does this mean we should just let lying go without consequence?
Of course not, but sometimes! It is important to first address the stress level of parents when it comes to wanting their kids to be honest.
All of our best parenting goes right out the window when we hit our frustration threshold!
It makes sense that parents become easily frustrated when they care about whether their child is honest. The first time you hear that lie, take a breather and remind yourself of two important things:
Children learn the most about honesty based on watching you. Model for them your values regarding telling the truth. Trust me they are watching and listening!
A parent's reinforcement for their child's truth telling is one of the most important steps you can take.
What does this look like on an everyday basis?
Be mindful of when and how often you 'stretch the truth' around the kids. If your kiddo has been telling some lies be even more careful of your actions. They hear you talking on the phone and to your partners and pick up mixed messages regarding honesty. Don't be dishonest in front of your kiddos. Make a point of letting them hear you talk about the importance of being honest in difficult situations.
Try and be hyper-vigilant in noticing opportunities to give them positive reinforcement for truth telling. Any time they tell the truth in the most insignificant way praise them for it. This has a stronger impact on changing lying behavior that giving consequences. Studies have shown that lying can actually increase in homes implementing a strict punishment policy for telling lies without an increase in positive reinforcement for the opposite behavior. (Talwar, 2022).
Start as young as you'd like with reading books and watching stories with messages about honesty that reflect your family's values.
Okay, that's great but how should I respond when I catch them lying to me?
Let's break it down into two categories:
How to respond to a pattern of lying in specific situations.
Effective ways to respond to a lie that catches you off guard.
Can you identify a pattern with lying? Does she lie to avoid doing something she dislikes? Does she say she did something when she didn't? Some examples might be lying about chores, homework, washing hands, brushing teeth or some other dreaded daily activity? The most effective first step to take in these situations is to stop asking the question. If you've identified the pattern, then you already know they are going to lie . Maybe, you keep asking hoping they'll eventually learn to tell the truth. While you are waiting for this to happen your frustration keeps building, and this feels pretty crappy. It may also lead to you doing or saying something you regret.
Why should you stop asking the question? Take the ability to lie away from them and they don't get attention for the lying. When you battle with your kid about the lie, they receive too much attention for it. This attention may even increase the lying behavior. While you are battling them over this lie, are they getting out of doing the task? Are you 100% sure you are consistent in making them go back and do the chore they are lying about? More often than you might think, parents are frustrated and exhausted and don't always follow through with making their child do the task they lied about.
Try this instead: Don't ask at all or ask them one time only before you check. Investigate to see if they've completed the task and do not prompt them to 'come clean' about the lie they told. Tell them you know they didn't tell the truth and make them go back and complete the task. Watch over them to make sure it is done. Reduce the frequency of lying by taking away it's function. They won't receive attention for lying and it doesn't get them out of doing the task. With older kids a simple consequence for the lie can also be given. There are many other situations in which young kids lie but this is the most common I hear about from my clients.
What type of simple consequence?
The rule of thumb is to make the consequence easy to implement without needing the cooperation of your child. The parent doesn't need to get into another battle over completing the consequence. Take away anything you know they want or like for a short specific period of time. If they didn't do their homework and lied to you about it, you could take away a portion of their screen time. Keep it simple and small. Families often report frustration because these types of consequences have failed in the past. The reason for this is almost always the attention given to the lie. The attention received by a lot of back and forth about telling the truth can be rewarding enough to make the consequence ineffective.
Try the Honesty Jar
I love the simplicity and effectiveness of any 'Jar Method'! Find a Mason Jar size container and fill it 3/4 full of pom poms or similar fun sized object. Decide upon a reasonable reward your kid will receive when the jar is full. Give your kiddo a pom pom to put in their jar when you notice they are being honest. It's important to go out of your way to identify these moments. If you catch them in a lie, tell them you know they didn't tell truth. Again- Don't try and persuade them to come clean. Then let them know you are going to take one of the pom poms out of their jar.
What if my child lies about something serious like hitting/hurting behaviors?
Your kiddo is likely getting a serious consequence for the hurting behavior, so I would suggest increasing that slightly. Be sure to make this clear. Tell them what the consequence would have been had they not lied. For example, " You will lose screen time for two nights for hitting your brother. You would have only lost screen time for tonight if you had told me the truth. Next time I'm sure you will tell the truth even though it is difficult."
What if there is no pattern and my child lies 'out of the blue'?
I would suggest ignoring when a child under the age of 3 doesn't tell you the truth. They are likely mimicking an older child or sibling and do not comprehend the moral value of telling the truth. The most effective way to reduce the behavior is to not engage with it.
If a child over the age of 4 lies to you, it is okay to ask them again hoping they will tell you the truth. (This is not a pattern as mentioned earlier when they've established a habit of lying).
I would frame it the following way:
"I'm going to ask you one more time if you__(whatever they are lying about)__. If you tell me the truth, then you won't have any consequence. If you tell a lie, then you will."
You can say anything that seems appropriate about the situation they are lying about. It's okay to let them know that while you will still be disappointed in what they did, you won't give them a consequence etc.. because they told the truth.
This type of response is best when your child hasn't established a pattern of lying. It's always a good first step to assume that they will be able to respond to your prompt to tell the truth. It is still important to keep it short. Stay calm. Only prompt 1 time to tell the truth. If they lie, then give the consequence and don't do any more talking about it.
I understand that not all lying behaviors fit into these categories and there is no 'one size fits all'. Families and children are complex and unique. My suggestions are based on the most common everyday struggles parents ask me about.
I referenced the following: Talwar V., Lee, K. Bala N. Lindsay RCI.. Children's conceptual knowledge of lie telling and its relation to their actual behaviors; Implications for court competence examination. Law and Human Behavior. 2002;26;395-415.
Talwar V., Lee, K. Social and Cognitive Correlates of Children's Lyng Behavior. Child Development.2012; Jul-Aug; 79(4);866-881.
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