Are you confused about what's best for your kid during the transition into College?

Have you done the research and asked around? Do you find yourself more and more confused?

There is no shortage of well-meaning advice out there for parents sending their kids off to college for the first time. I really went down the rabbit hole thinking, 'Am I about to really screw my kid up?' the more advice I listened to. While some parents have kids who communicate openly about what they want and need, my kid doesn't tell us a thing! I couldn't rely on my college days as a reference since my experience was anything but typical or 'best practice parenting'.

I really needed help after hearing this:

• Don't help them organize and plan because they need to learn to be independent.

• Make sure you help them plan so they are set up for success.

• Give them spending money so they can focus on their studies.

• Don't give them money so they can learn how to balance real life stress.

• Drop them off and leave without showing any emotion-they shouldn't have to worry about you.

• It's healthy to show how sad you feel when leaving because it normalizes their own feelings of homesickness.

• Let them bring their gaming systems because they are learning balance and this gives them some normalcy.

• Don't allow them to bring their gaming system because it leads to isolation and they won't make friends.

• Make sure you call them often so they know you care.

• Let them call you so they know you trust them and respect their need for space.

• Don't get too involved in their grades as they need to learn to navigate speaking up for themselves with professors.

• If you don't keep track of their academic progress it can lead to a serious drop in grade point average.

You get the point! Even the research was confusing to me. Schwanz et al (2014) found that,

"...the better the relationship with one's parent, the greater the student's GPAis likely to be. A high-quality parental relationship is related to fewer negative academic issues like probation and suspensions."

These students are rating their relationships with parents based on their own value systems. What does 'better relationship' mean? How do you rate a 'high-quality parental relationship'? Each student has their own criteria, and each parent has their own values-based ways of interaction. What is good for the gander might not be so good for the goose!

Another study found,

"Academic performance is positively related with perceived parental involvement and support for autonomy",(Wong 2008)

How do you balance parental support and involvement with autonomy which denotes some level of 'less involvement', correct? Well, I was confused.

My best advice? Trust your gut and follow these 5 tips that can be adjusted to fit your family and what has helped you make it this far. These are lighthearted tips for parents like me. Parents whose kids don't love telling you all their needs and wants. Maybe your kids are not the best at being clear about how you can best support them!

If your mature future college kids are good at letting you know exactly how you can be helpful, this post is not for you!

My Top 5 tips

1. Silence is Golden: To understand what your child's college experience might be like, feel free to conduct thorough research. Watch videos from their college, collect statistics, download relevant apps, and subscribe to newsletters—all independently, without involving your child. Refrain from bombarding them with questions or informing them of your research activities. This approach allows you to be well-informed while respecting their need for space.

2. Let them make the mistakes: Do you wish to shield them from all the social blunders you encountered? Are you eager to offer them the sage advice you lacked? Resist the urge! They need to navigate their own mistakes, even if it's tough at times. This isn't to say you should idly watch them make critical errors without intervening. Rather, it's about refraining from giving unsolicited advice. Focus on the practical aspects, like ensuring they pay tuition and enroll in classes. However, let them choose their own social circles, discover which events to attend, and learn how to handle break-ups and social disappointments on their own.

3. Write them a letter and leave it under their pillow. You undoubtedly have many valuable and loving insights to share with your child. You aim to support them through the highs and lows of this significant transition. They might not be receptive to hearing everything at once, often perceiving supportive words as 'pushing' or 'nagging.' However, this doesn't mean they won't value your words when they're alone and the noise fades. A considerate and supportive note containing your thoughtful advice is likely to be more warmly received. (And if they don't value the support in the note, at least you're spared from witnessing any eye-rolling or dismissive looks!)

4. Let them make all the decisions about what they should or should not bring to campus! If they tend to procrastinate and expect immediate action when they're ready, resist the urge. Politely communicate your schedule and availability. If they're too busy to prepare lists and complete shopping when you're available, they'll need to manage last-minute arrangements themselves. Allowing them autonomy in their choices, such as what to bring or buy, is beneficial for teaching independence and building trust in the relationship. Even if bringing that Xbox seems like a social faux pas, it's important to let them decide.

5. Set up a weekly check -in call for those kids who don't like to keep in touch. It's reasonable to want to know how your child is adapting and to monitor their well-being. However, expecting prompt replies to your texts and calls may not be realistic and could lead to your own disappointment and frustration. They are more likely to engage with you during a regularly scheduled call time.

When your child calls to vent about stressful events, remember you are their safety net. Absorb what they say and reflect on it before considering contacting the dean. It's probable that it's just a build-up of typical stressors, and they've managed it better than they're admitting.

When they reach out to you after making a mistake, try to respond with support and encouragement. Addressing consequences can wait until later. It's important for them to feel comfortable contacting you about their mistakes. If your reaction is overly angry or critical, they may hesitate to call you in the future. This is important if you value the open-door communication in the relationship.

I put my best efforts into making these tips 'all-inclusive' so that they can fit most family values structures. I hope my research helps you. I found that less research would have been much more beneficial.

Follow your Gut!

In the end trust your instincts about how best to support your kid during the transition into college. Don't let advice overload get you down. One research study said it best,

" Feeling protected and cared for by their parents, even at a distance, termed the 'secure attachment' style of parenting, allows for the best outcomes in student's adjustment to college", Mattanah et al. (2011).

However, you 'care for' and 'protect' your child, do more of that from a distance. The specifics don't matter. It's important to trust your parenting style. Ask yourself, what values are important to you as a parent during this transition? Use these values to guide your choices. When you know and use your values to make the decisions you can't go wrong.

RESCOURCES:

Mattanah, J.F. , Lopez, F.G., & Govern, J.M. (2011). The contributions of parental attachment bonds to college student development and adjustment: A metaanalysis review, Journal of Counseling Psychology, 58(4), 565-596 doi: 10,1037.

Schwanz, K.A., Palm, L.J., Davis, J.L., & Hill-Chapman, C.R. (2014). College Students Perceptions of Relations with Parents and Academic Performance. American Educational Research Journal, 2(1), 3-17.

Waithaka, A.G., Furniss, T.M., & Gitimu, P.N. (2017). College Student mind-set: Does Student parental relationship influence the student's mindset? Research in Higher Education Journal, 31.

Wong, M.M. (2008). Perceptions of parental involvement and autonomy support: Their relations with self-regulation, academic performance, substance sue and resilience among adolescents. North American Journal of Psychology, 10(3), 497-513.